Jack Swagger Proves he's Championship Material on Smackdown

Two weeks ago on RAW, WWE Champion John Cena told Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger that he was not “championship material.”  Swagger’s performance on Friday’s edition of Smackdown went a long way toward proving Cena wrong and garnering some needed prestige in his thus far beleaguered title run.  Swagger shone and came out victorious ,in a marquee triple threat match against two of WWE’s top stars.  Here’s how it went down:

The stage was set when general manager Teddy Long, in response to one of Chris Jericho’s trademarked grumpy tirades, granted Y2J the Heavyweight Championship rematch that he’s had coming, since Swagger lifted the title from him three weeks earlier.  Jericho, however, was not the only one getting a shot at championship.  Long also inserted the equally deserving Edge into the bout, making Swagger’s first championship defense a triple threat match with two of the greatest all around performers in WWE.

The match turned out to be a tour de force for all three men, and especially for Swagger as its winner and retaining champion.  Swagger’s been losing points in persona and promos, since winning the Heavyweight title, but he’s very nearly making up those points with his work in the ring.  The champ delivered some convincing, high-impact offense and took some hard bumps in the match.  Aside from his hard work, Swagger is an interesting specimen in the ring.  He comes off kind of like a meta-being halfway between Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde: entitled, upper class, aryan arrogance just about to give way to the brutal, power-possessed monster within.  It’s a presence that makes Swagger’s character uniquely unlikable and believable as a dominant, dangerous in-ring entity.  This match was the best showing thus far of that entity.

Of course, equal credit goes to Swagger’s opponents Edge and Jericho.  Edge was at the top of his good guy game, selling his opponents’ double teaming and hitting some nice spots in retaliation (such as a double baseball slide on both men).  Jericho for his part once again demonstrated not only his in-ring ability but his selfless dedication to effective story-telling, by offering up himself to put the young champion over.  After absorbing a spear from Edge, Y2J was clearly down for the count.  Before the referee could make that count, however, Swagger pulled Edge off of the cover and ejected him from the ring, before scoring a quick three count of his own on the still reeling Jericho.  The ending garnered some good heat for Swagger, and though it was a “back door” victory, his showing was strong enough throughout the match that the win didn’t feel undeserved.  He gets bonus points for getting one over on the “ultimate opportunist” Edge.

For as cocksure and unapologetic as Swagger the character is, Swagger the performer seems eager to prove himself to fans and his fellow superstars, in the sudden light of a big, new push and a major title run.  If he keeps it up, he’ll likely get over more than Sheamus ever did as a champion.  Let’s just hope that the booking committee recognizes his hard work and ceases its assault on his character, stripping away his beaming, heat-magnet grin and burying him under Randy Orton’s new face turn.  Speaking of Orton: Swagger’s title defense against RKO at the upcoming Extreme Rules pay-per-view will likely be a make or break moment for Swagger.  It will be interesting to see how it plays out.

Elsewhere on the show:  Drew McIntyre scored a much needed win over Kane; that’s the good news.  The bad news is it was a win by disqualification.  McIntyre opted to walk away from the ring, rather than endure more punishment from the Big Red Monster.  The boos came loud and steady from the British audience, as the referee counted out the sinister Scot.  Before the count of ten, however, Matt Hardy rushed to ringside and forced McIntyre back into the ring.  Hardy’s gesture garnered McIntyre the win… and drew the ire of Kane, who re-payed Hardy with a choke slam.  McIntyre needed a win over a superstar like Kane, but this wasn’t the kind of win he needed.  His fleeing the match made him look so weak that the fact that he got his “hand raised” was beside the point.  While such a DQ victory may earn McIntyre some heel heat, It will take more than such an exhibition to convince the fans that he’s really the chosen one that he’s touted to be.

Dolph Ziggler turned in another great heel performance, when he beat R Truth with a sleeper hold.  It’s a smart call to give Ziggler the sleeper as his current finisher.  The move, one of the most time honored in wrestling, is nice fit with a performer like Ziggler, who inherently references a classic in-ring style and who brings a great tenacity to the move’s application.  He already makes the sleeper look more menacing that Brutus Beefcake ever did.

Old rivals Michelle McCool and Mickie James met each other in the best Divas match in recent memory.  After a lively back and forth and some cool spots (e.g. James hitting a flying Thesz press on McCool off of the audience barricade), the fan favorite fell prey to the lovely Layla’s distraction from the ring apron, allowing McCool to steal a win.  The Women’s champion then launched a post-match assault on James, at which Beth Phoenix rushed out in response.  The impending Phoenix/McCool clash has been booked well.  Because only one Divas match airs on each RAW and Smackdown, WWE bookers aren’t as pressed to give away big match ups on free TV.  Thus they can allow feuds adequate time to build into something special.  It’s ironic that it works this way, seeing as how WWE clearly holds its female division in much lower regard than it does its male roster.

Cm Punk, Luke Gallows, and Darren Young faced Rey Mysterio and the Hart Dynasty, in a pay-per-view quality match that was full of great spots.  Mysterio and the Hart Dynasty worked well together, delivering some innovative and entertaining offense, including a double suplex/high cross body amalgam on Punk and simultaneous dropkicks to Gallows’s skull (a move that would have quite simply made the man’s head explode had it been even slightly ill executed).  Mysterio even hit a 619 around the ring post, which the always reliable luchadore hit perfectly.  In the end, the Harts and Mysterio were victorious, adding fuel to the former’s big face push.  Miz was on hand as color commentator, a role in which he was rather entertaining.  Staying firmly in character, Miz put himself over and over and over throughout the match and wisely sold next Monday’s RAW, in which Bret Hart is scheduled to appear and declare Show Miz the greatest tag team in WWE history.

Though he wasn’t given much offense, Darren Young made a decent showing in this match as well.  Young’s tumultuous relationship with his mentor CM Punk and the Straight Edge  Society has made the NXT rookie very watchable of late.  Once his angle with the SES has played out (and if he’s still a part of WWE at such a time) it will be interesting to see if Young retains that watchability or if he becomes just another African-American John Cena with Heat Miser hair.

JTG turned in a solid face performance in this match, against Caylen Croft.  He sold well the dirty offense of Croft and the overwhelming odds he faced (as Croft’s fellow Dude Buster Trent Baretta and his own partner-turned-rival Shad Gaspard were present at ringside) and then mounted a convincing and soulful comeback.  In the end he pinned Croft following a swing-around clothesline.  Immediately following the bell, Gaspard stormed the ring and laid out his former partner in Cryme with a vicious clothesline of his own.  He laced the beatdown that followed with an impassioned repetition of the thesis: “You ain’t nothin’ without me!”  JTG, however, offered some evidence to the contrary, when he turned the tables on the big man and hit some offense of his own.  It’s nice to see WWE recognizing the talent of both members of the the defunct Cryme Tyme, rather than booking Gaspard to steamroll over JTG and move on to bigger things.  Still the unfortunately born after me Gaspard is the more likely breakout star of the two, and not only because of his size.  He showed a seasoned heel intensity, beyond his years and experience, in this segment.  If booked right, the Cryme Tyme feud could be surprisingly good and could lead to solid pushes for both men.  Moreover, both have to feel relieved to be free of the two-dimensional, borderline racist gimmick, with which they’d been saddled for the last four years.

The "Heel Face" Randy Orton Shines on RAW

Randy Orton’s unexpected and fan-led face turn kicked into high gear on Monday’s edition of RAW.  Performing to a packed arena of impassioned British fans, WWE’s “apex predator” main evented the show, along with the company’s top heel Batista, in what was a well worked bout with a big match atmosphere.  Prior to the match, Orton cut a promo in which he admitted to relishing the lawlessness of the upcoming Extreme Rules pay-per-view, reminding viewers that he’s put plenty of men in the hospital by being lawless and extreme in his own right.  It would have been a straight heel promo, had it not been directed at a heel: the reviled Jack Swagger, for whose World Heavyweight Championship Orton will be challenging at the ppv.

Similarly, Orton wrestled his match with Batista much like a heel, taking shortcuts and savoring the punishment he inflicted upon the Animal.  Yet the fans cheered, and not only because they were European (traditionally the “through-the-looking-glass” foil to American audiences).  Orton has made a deep connection with fans without compromising his ruthless in-ring persona, and so far WWE creative has been uncommonly in tune with its audience, giving them a good guy Orton who’s really not a good guy.  With the kind of reaction RKO is currently getting, Swagger has a tough task ahead of him at Extreme Rules.  We’d like to think that WWE would give the young champion some time to carry the title and prove himself, but they can only ignore the fans for so long.

Speaking of Swagger, he rushed in to interrupt the Orton/Batista match, gut-wrench suplexing the former and handing him a win by disqualification in the process.  After that WWE champion John Cena, Batista’s opponent at Extreme Rules and notorious thunder thief, blazed to the ring, laid out Swagger with a quick and nonchalant clothesline, and then locked the Animal in an STF.  Despite the chaotic ending, this was a strong main event, which worked toward solidifying Orton as a powerful fan favorite presence.

Batista, for his part, was also very good.  With each week he gets better at projecting classic heel danger and smugness.  The fact that he tapped so quickly to Cena’s STF may point to his winning their match at Extreme Rules and reclaiming the WWE Cahmpionship.  Though it wouldn’t be wise to take the belt off of Cena so soon after his Wrestlemania victory, Batista has at least proven that he can be a compelling and entertaining Champion.

But back to Orton:  his continuing face turn will benefit from a minimalist style of booking.  It was the fans who decided to cheer once more for the admittedly vicious, unabashedly rule-breaking “Viper,” and it’s best to let them continue to decide the pacing and particulars of his character’s evolution going forward.  As long as Orton retains many of his heelish tendencies, he remains an unpredictable and thus intriguing character, one who will please the fans, who deep down don’t like to be pandered to… though their ravenous cheering for the occasional Baywatch themed Divas tag match may suggest otherwise.

Elsewhere on the show:  In between commercials for Hot Pocket meat grenades and KFC sandwiches that use chicken breasts instead of bread, Monday’s show offered some solid wrestling matches.  Aside form the great main event, Evan Bourne defeated Carlito in an excellent if short cruiserweight exhibition.  After that match Carlito declared backstage (to a surprisingly empathetic Vladimir Kozlov) that he was beginning to resent the selfish and uneducated matchmaking of the RAW guest hosts and that, if he does not get drafted to Smackdown in the draft (occurring in two weeks on RAW) then he’s going to quit WWE all together.  We’re not sure how this angle will play out, but we hope it will be one of two ways:  the supremely underrated Carlito gets a push, OR he actually does leave WWE… and goes to TNA… where he gets an even bigger push.  Neither scenario seems very likely, however.

In a decently worked match, Eve won the Divas Championship from Maryse.  Eve performed well in the match, but still her winning the title seems a bit premature.  We’re not sure why WWE feels the need to move titles around so frequently.  Maryse was a believable, entertaining Champion, and Eve doesn’t quite have the presence of the champ she dethroned.

It was nice to hear the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs get some love form the fans, when Bret Hart named them as two teams easily superior to Show Miz.  It was equally nice to hear Hart’s mentioning of his classic bout with Davey Boy Smith (at Summerslam 1992) get a solid pop from the British audience.  When DH Smith said that it was clear that his father was present and “watching over” him, it was genuinely moving to see how genuinely moved he appeared to be.  The Hart Dynasty seem like they will work well as faces.  Their personal history represents some of the highest peaks of pro wrestling’s last half-century.  Show Miz is fine for now, but sooner or later the Unified Tag Team Titles definitely belong to the Dynasty.

In that vein, DH Smith’s performance during his match with the Miz was openly and entertainingly referential of his storied lineage.  He held Miz up in an impossibly drawn out vertical suplex that would have done his powerhouse father proud (as we recall, Davey Boy would hold an opponent in a vertical suplex for so long that the commentators would run out of things to say, while they waited for the Bulldog to finally drop the poor bastard.  After all, you can only repeat “…letting the blood rush to the head” so many times).  Smith also locked the Miz into a textbook Sharpshooter, which the Big Show interrupted.  The match ended with a spot in which Smith took a right hand to the kidney from Big Show and fell victim to the Miz’s Skull Crushing Finale.  According to a stipulation set up before the match, Smith’s loss means that Bret Hart will have to appear on RAW next week to declare that Show Miz is the greatest tag team in WWE history.  While the Hitman will simply never make that declaration, the way this angle played out does basically guarantee that Hart will appear on next week’s show.  This is fine with the Lateral Press, as Hart is one of the diminishing handful of active wrestling personalities for whom we shamelessly and consistently mark out.

David Hasslehoff was surprisingly watchable in his role as guest host.  He interacted well with David Otunga and was kind of funny when he broke the news that the “A List” would be facing John Cena one on one.  The resulting match was entertaining enough and was wisely all Cena (it was the WWE champion taking on Mr. Dreamgirls, after all).  Cena carried the match like a veteran giving a public wrestling lesson to an overly brash rookie, while Batista watched from the top of the ramp (for some reason wearing a black tie, black sweater vest, and shiny stage magician pants.)  In the end the rookie tapped to an STF.

Like an answer to the question: “Hey whatever happened to the older Pete from “the Adventures of Pete and Pete” and all of the steroids in Ireland?”  Sheamus came to the ring to cut a promo on Triple H, whom he claimed demonstrated his fear of the Celtic Warrior the previous week, by resorting to hauling out his trademarked sledgehammer (I guess they don’t call it the “difference maker” any more).  He was interrupted not by Triple H but by Kofi Kingston, who came to the ring seeking retribution for his beat down at Sheamus’s hand the week before.

We were surprised to see Kingston given the opportunity to re-challenge the big Irishman.  His squash last week seemed like a textbook one off match between one wrestler on the rise and another on the decline toward common jobber-dom.  Kingston, however, made a good accounting of himself both on the mic and in the ring, where he got the better of Sheamus for most of the match.  He even hit Trouble in Paradise, knocking Sheamus into near unconsciousness and to the outside of the ring.  It was there, however, that it all started to make sense.  The Celtic Warrior assaulted Kingston with a TV monitor and then went on to systematically destroy Kingston.  Still, even with the beat down and the likely time away from the ring it will explain, this was a better deal for Kingston than a one off squash by Sheamus would have been.  Maybe he’ll even be given the chance to return and enter into a program with the former WWE champ.  Maybe.

Santino Marella, harkening the traffic cop from the frosty the Snowman cartoon, swallowed his whistle after officiating a Baywatch themed triple threat divas match, but Hornswoggle ran to the ring and saved the asphyxiating Italian by delivering a Heimlich-esque tadpole splash.  … and now I’m going to go never have occasion to write that sentence ever again.  Goodnight, wrestling fans.

David Otunga Steps into the Spotlight on RAW

On February 24th, we said of David Otunga, “Knowing Vince McMahon’s love of mainstream attention and of dangerously big men, it definitely seems like Otunga has a very bright future in WWE.”  Last night’s RAW was Otunga’s first huge step into that spotlight, and he didn’t disappoint.  Otunga carried the opening segment of RAW, which featured a plethora of superstar interruptions attempting to book their own matches for the evening.

John Cena wanted Jack Swagger, but so did Randy Orton.  Swagger wanted neither man; he simply wanted to deliver his state of the World Heavyweight Championship Address and leave RAW for good.  ShowMiz wanted a tag match, though it wasn’t exactly clear who they wanted to face.  Cue Otunga, RAW’s guest host by virtue of his NXT Battle Royal victory, to clean up the mess.  The self-professed A-Lister booked double main events: Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger in a non-title match and ShowMiz vs. John Cena and Batista for the Unified Tag Team titles.  Orton got the best of this exchange since he was the only superstar to get precisely what he wanted.  In “Go Fish” terminology, Orton fished what he wished. 

Perhaps testing the waters for their eventual face vs. face program, Orton faked an RKO on Cena before surprising Swagger with the move in a preview of what was to come later in the night.  Actually, the Orton vs. Swagger match was quite good.  There probably isn’t a more exciting wrestler to watch in the WWE right now than Randy Orton, and that excitement is only accentuated with the crowd now solidly behind him week after week.  Swagger looked pretty good during their match; he looked much more confident in the ring and got the better of Orton for most of the match.  It was pretty obvious, though, that Orton was going to win the match, but a clean pin fall over the new World Heavyweight Champion was a bit strange.  What’s the point of making Swagger look weak already, just three days into his title reign?  An Orton victory by count out or DQ would have made much more sense.  Oh well … at least Orton and Swagger had an entertaining match. 

In the other main event of the evening, it was pretty clear Orton and Cena would not be able to put their troubled past behind them in order to focus on the tag champs.  After taking a beating from ShowMiz, Cena attempted to tag Batista but got the proverbial “alligator arm.”  Batista walked out on the match, prompting Cena to give chase up the ramp.  With Cena and Batista fighting outside the ring, the match ended in a count out victory for ShowMiz.  Not satisfied with the result, Otunga announced a second title defense for ShowMiz later in the night: John Cena would get another shot at tag team gold with his new partner … David Otunga himself.

You could definitely tell something was going on with Otunga during the tag match.  He was only in the ring for a brief beat down of the Miz before tagging in Cena.  Otunga served as the A-list Cheerleader for most of the match while Cena, Miz, and Show had several good back-and-forth spots.  After a double clothesline on Miz, it looked like Otunga was preparing for a hot tag from Cena, but just as the champ reached for the tag, Otunga (like Batista before him) dropped from the ring apron and walked out on the match.  The distraction allowed Show to hit Cena with his knockout punch and score the pin fall.  Batista then hit the ring to deliver a Batista Bomb to the prone WWE champ and announce he was invoking his rematch clause at Extreme Rules in a Last Man Standing Match.

We were thoroughly impressed with Otunga’s performance as guest host, and we think it was a wise move for creative to align him with the unpopular Batista.  This gave Otunga some instant and unmistakable heat with the WWE Universe.  It will be interesting to see how the future Mr. Jennifer Hudson is handled moving forward on NXT.  He definitely needs to sharpen his skills in the ring, but his powerful and confident presence alone will take him far in the world of sports entertainment. 

Editor’s Note: We have even decided to issue Otunga a pass for delivering the worst (and medically improbable) line of the night: “I’m so raw, you could catch food poisoning just standing next to me!”  David, buddy boy, first of all …

Elsewhere on Monday’s show: Ted Dibiase Jr. and Christian had another entertaining match.  Actually, we’re convinced Christian can have an entertaining match with just about anyone on the current WWE roster (with the possible exception of Sheamus).  In a bit of a surprise, Dibiase scored a clean pin fall after hitting Christian with Dream Street.  This was a nice booking job.  Dibiase avenged his loss to Christian last week on RAW which sets them up nicely for a rubber match either next week or perhaps at Extreme Rules.  It also did wonders for our hearts and souls to see Dibiase with the Million Dollar belt … allegedly a peace offering from the Million Dollar Man himself for causing the distraction that led to Junior’s defeat on last week’s RAW.

The Kofi Kingston/Sheamus match had the life expectancy of an individual phytoplankton.  Actually, Kofi got in a solid 90-seconds of high flying offense before being flattened by double pump kicks and the Razor’s Edge (we refuse to call Sheamus’s finisher anything else).  After the three count, Sheamus retrieved his lead pipe from under the ring and savagely hit Kofi on the back of the head with it.  We’re not quite sure why steel chair head shots are banned, but lead pipe death blows are allowed.  Triple H then chased Sheamus out of the arena wildly swinging the Difference Maker at the Irishman’s head.  Who else sees a Lead Pipe vs. Sledge Hammer match coming up at Extreme Rules?

(Editor’s Note #2: Watch how disturbingly red Sheamus’s chest turned after Kofi’s double knife edge chops.  Imagine a shiny new fire truck covered by a sea of lobsters and then imagine that whole unlikely contraption going up in flames).

Maryse was hilarious on the mic during the Divas Red Carpet Dressed to Impress Battle Royal.  She heeled on each of the Divas and their choice of evening gowns as they made their entrances to the ring (the Bella twins allegedly bought their matching dresses at Walmart).  The Battle Royal was entertaining for a second or two … Eve Torres eventually won the match by last eliminating Jillian Hall.  Eve will face Maryse next week for the Divas championship. 

Note to WWE creative: Having the Divas wrestle in formal ball gowns might be visually appealing, but it severely limits their already shaky in-ring mobility.  It’s like having Bastian Booger wrestle Brian Knobbs in a Blindfold Ladder Match … the results are not going to be pretty.

On the official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this A-List edition of RAW gets:

Three and 1/2 Stars (out of Five).

RIP Chris Kanyon

The Lateral Press has received confirmation of the death of former WWE/WCW wrestler Chris Kanyon.  He was 40 years old.  Several unconfirmed reports surfaced on Saturday morning that Kanyon had died at home Friday night as the result of an apparent drug overdose.  Trained primary by Afa Anoa’i and The Fabulous Moolah in the mid 1990s, Kanyon got his first big break in professional wrestling in 1997 portraying the character Mortis in WCW.  He achieved modest success in WCW before its eventual collapse in 2001.  Kanyon then debuted on Smackdown and took part in the WCW “Invasion” storyline.

Prior to his retirement from professional wrestling in 2006, Kanyon generated a great deal of controversy by claiming he was fired from WWE when Vince McMahon found out he was gay.  Kanyon also claimed that Bret Hart mentioned in passing that he (Hart) was in on the infamous Montreal Screwjob in 1997.  Though neither claim was ever fully substantiated, Kanyon was unfortunately shunned by many of his wrestling peers over the past few years.  Despite these later controversies, Kanyon was a talented wrestler and performer who captured championship gold in both singles and tag team competition.  We at Lateral Press extend our heartfelt sympathies to the family and friends of Chris Kanyon, a truly unique and innovative performer whose tragic death came far too soon.

Friday Night Smackdown Adds a Little Swagger

Wow, we did not see this one coming.  After an intense in-ring promo featuring Wrestlemania opponents Chris Jericho and Edge, the All-American American Jack Swagger took advantage of the recently speared Jericho to become the new undisputed World Heavyweight Champion.  Swagger announced he was cashing in his MITB contract and patiently waited for referee Mike Chioda to clear the ring of debris from the Jericho/Edge encounter before hitting his gut-wrench powerbomb on Jericho for the surprise pin fall.  We thought for sure that this was going to be another “false start” for Swagger especially when Chioda was clearing the ring of abandoned microphones and street clothes “for the safety of the competitors” as Matt Striker informed us.  It’s always exciting when the MITB contract is cashed in, and this year was no different.  It bears repeating, however, that Swagger was jobbing to Santino Marella as recently as January.  We can’t even begin to understand the meteoric turnaround Swagger has experienced over the past few months, but we can’t say we’re disappointed either.  Congratulations to Swagger for winning the first meaningful world championship during his brief four year professional career.

(Editor’s Note: Swagger’s ECW title reign doesn’t count as meaningful).

Elsewhere on Friday’s show: It looks like Cryme Tyme has finally decided to go its separate ways after almost four years of being one of the WWE’s staple tag teams.  After John Morrison and R Truth made short work of Shad Gaspard (thanks to another picture-perfect Starship Pain from Morrison), you could see the impending break up coming from a mile away.  First up were the tense moments between the two overly crestfallen partners.  Next was the obligatory questioning of each other’s commitment to the team, then the pie face, and finally one partner’s finishing move was applied to the other.  This was a textbook tag team break up.  Not surprisingly, it was Shad who got the better of JTG first delivering a big boot and then finalizing their split with an especially thug-like STO.  Shad explained his actions with two simple words … “My time!”  We’re especially interested to see where JTG goes from here.  He is certainly a capable and exciting singles wrestler, but he’s the kind of small guy who looks more legitimate with a big man tag partner in his corner.  Shad, on the other hand, has the size and strength (the jury is still out on his ability) to make an immediate impact in singles competition.

We have two questions as it relates to Drew “The Chosen One” McIntyre:  First, how cool is McIntyre’s ring entrance?  Answer: it’s officially too cool for school.  Second, why do so many of his matches end in no-decisions?  What could have been a fine match with fellow MITB participant Matt Hardy turned into an unofficial no contest beat down when McIntyre attacked Hardy before the bell rang.  These encounters serve no legitimate purpose.  They don’t make McIntyre look any stronger, and they cheat the audience out of seeing an actual wrestling match.  And in this case, since the beat down started with both McIntyre and Hardy in the ring, the referee should have rung the bell and started the match.  We like McIntyre and agree he could achieve great things in WWE, but at some point he needs to start putting together an impressive winning streak on Friday nights if he’s to be taken seriously.

Dolph Ziggler fell The Great Khali with not one but two sleeper holds.  Khali was able to break Ziggler’s first sleeper by backing him into the turnbuckles, but Ziggler was quickly able to cinch in his second sleeper in the middle of the ring.  The only problem with applying a submission hold on the 7’3″ Khali is that he is always just a few inches away from the ropes.  Khali’s feet were underneath the ropes the entire time the sleeper was applied and actually touched the bottom rope twice in full-view of the referee.  Either one of these actions should have compelled the referee to break the hold, but the Punjabi Playboy soon slipped into unconsciousness and suffered a surprising defeat.  After the match, Khali announced (through his brother/handler Ranjin Singh) that he would be returning to India for a while to gather his thoughts.  In wrestling talk this means he’s nursing another injury.

CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society were especially menacing Friday night.  After Punk-loving testimonials from both Luke Gallows and Serena, Punk quickly turned his sights on the live Las Vegas crowd.  (Shame on the live audience for trying to say “Stays in Vegas” in unison with Punk).  After making several great points about the notoriously Sin City, Punk then challenged his Wrestlemania opponent Rey Mysterio to a hair vs. forced induction into the SES match … a match we believe was first made famous by Dick Murdoch and Ray Stevens in the 1970s.  This is the match many predicted we would see at ‘Mania, but it looks like we’re going to get it at next month’s Extreme Rules PPV. 

Layla’s performance during the Divas tag match was hilarious.  Listening to her sustained screams of terror as she was dominated by the Glamazon actually made me laugh out loud.  Layla was somehow able to scream before, during, and after Beth Phoenix delivered her Glam Slam finisher.

Kane delivered a nice promo.  Admitting that he’s become bored and frustrated over the past few months at the level of competition on Smackdown, Kane delivered the line of the night: “A frustrated monster is not healthy for anyone.”  I often thought the same thing as a child, watching the monster in my closet struggle with long division … Kane’s solution was simple.  He challenged the entire roster of NXT to a match which was promptly accepted.  Apparently all eight men waited in the Gorilla position all night in full wrestling gear just in case anyone made such a challenge.  

The eight-on-one handicap match was momentarily exciting.  Kane first pinned Wade Barrett followed quickly by Heath Slater before the rookies took a time out to gather their thoughts.  Their plan was to divide and conquer Kane with the remaining six rookies joining forces to topple the big man.  Apparently this isn’t exactly a legal strategy as the referee soon called for the bell and declared Kane the winner by DQ.  The remaining rookies got in some good licks on the Big Red Monster (most notably a picture perfect 450 splash from Justin Gabriel) before retreating to the back.

The last segment of the evening took the form of a State of the World Championship Address from Jack Swagger (who incidentally had only held the title for about 75 minutes).    Reading from a prepared script, Swagger generated some real heat merely by announcing his career achievements.  Swagger then referred to himself as the obvious replacement to the recently retired HBK before Chris Jericho hit the ring and angrily demanded his title be returned to him.  Edge also hit the ring and demanded his own title shot from Swagger.  Cue Teddy Long to book a number one contender’s match (and Wrestlemania rematch) next Friday between Jericho and Edge.  Swagger left his mark on his two would-be opponents by delivering dual gut-wrench powerbombs as Smackdown went off the air.  Our guess is that the Edge/Jericho match will end in a no-decision resulting in a triple threat match with Swagger at Extreme Rules.

On the official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this exciting and unpredictable episode of Smackdown gets:

Four Stars (out of Five).

"Hartfelt" Goodbyes Dominate RAW

If you weren’t moved by Monday’s edition of RAW, then you are most likely a heartless and inantimate piece of machinery whose crying mechanism has been permanently disabled.  For the rest of us humanoids, the centerpiece of RAW was Shawn Michaels’ emotional goodbye to the WWE Universe, and HBK (as he so often does) took us on a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows during his farewell address.  In a few of the most touching moments we’ve ever seen in the squared circle, Michaels thanked Triple H for being his friend during a time when no one else in the back wanted to touch him and Bret Hart for offering his forgiveness for Shawn’s role in the Montreal Screwjob. 

HBK also broke kayfabe a bit by thanking Vince McMahon for, in effect, saving his life by keeping him employed throughout his well-known dark days.  The last images of Michaels and Hunter in a tender embrace were difficult to watch. (By difficult to watch, we mean it was hard to see what was actually going on through our Natureboy-like river of tears).  HBK kissed HHH sweetly on the cheek in a moment that would have made the recently outed Ricky Martin swoon, and Hunter placed an honorary glow light X at the top of the ramp as RAW went off the air.  The only reprieve from total emotional collapse we were granted last night was that the familiar HBK tribute “Tell Me a Lie” wasn’t played during this final segment.  WWE probably feared the mass suicide pact that would have been immediately executed during the song’s first refrain …

Of course, Michaels has said goodbye to us before: he lost his smile and had to leave to find it in 1997, and more noteably, he lost five years of his career to a severe back injury after Wrestlemania 14.  Perhaps this is a classic case of the “Boy Toy” who cried wolf, but we still aren’t convinced that Monday Night was Michaels’ swan song.  Perhaps we just don’t want to believe the truth because it will force us to come to terms with a significant figure from our childhoods being gone from the ring forever.  In recent years, Michaels has always taken significant time off from the WWE following Wrestlemania, and this year could be no different.  If this was the blow-off farewell for HBK, then it stood in stark contrast to Ric Flair’s post-Mania send off two years ago.  We think the understatedness of the event points to Michaels returning to the ring in a few months, perhaps in time for Summerslam where he also has a storied and showstopping history.

Elsewhere on the show: Bret Hart entered the ring again to deliver (by our count) his 37th farewell address this year.  Seriously, Bret Hart has delivered more farewell addresses at this point than George Washington did when he left the White House in 1797.  When Hart stopped to thank his mom Helen, dad Stu, and brother Owen for watching over him from heaven, a loud an emotional “OWEN, OWEN!!” chant broke out amongst the Phoenix crowd.  Noticeably shaken by the chant, Bret peeled away a few layers of clothing to reveal an especially poignant t-shirt with him and Owen embracing each other on the front.  Having read his “Hitman” autobiography we can tell you that Bret Hart still holds his brother Owen in the highest possible regard.  Hearing the live audience loudly chanting Owen’s name must have been a thoroughly satisfying and redeeming moment for the Hitman.

The Miz generated some real heat from the crowd when he and Big Show interrupted Hart’s segment.  Miz’s biggest beef with Hart was that Hart’s celebrated return to WWE has robbed him of precious mic time.  He called Hart “the most overrated wrestler there is, was, or ever will be” and demanded that he leave the ring.  This in-ring collision led to an impromptu tag match between ShowMiz and the Hart Dynasty, which THD won by countout.  While Bret Hart’s short-term contract with WWE has apparently expired, his influence is likely to be felt in the coming weeks as THD will receive a signficant (and well-deserved) face push.

The Legends Lumberjack match was entertaining.  Separating the legends into face and heel factions was a nice touch.  Normally WWE legends by default become “faces emeritus” the second they retire from in-ring competition.  As far as we could tell, Christian’s lumberjacks were Roddy Piper, Sgt. Slaughter, Tony Garea, Ricky Steamboat, and Jerry Lawler; while Ted Dibiase Jr. was flanked by his “Million Dollar” dad Ted Dibiase Sr., Pat Patterson, Nick Bockwinkel, I.R.S., and Arn Anderson.  Christian eventually hit Dibiase with the Killswitch for the pin fall after Dibiase was temporarily distracted by the brawling legends at ringside.  (You have to admit, seeing Sgt. Slaughter apply his infamous Cobra Clutch to the 69-year old Patterson would be pretty distracting).  Dibiase then nonverbally scolded his dad for causing the distraction and left The Million Dollar Man languishing alone in the ring.

Sheamus generated the most heat of the night when he attacked Triple H from behind with a lead pipe as The King of Kings was about to declare his heterosexual love for Shawn Michaels.  It looks like the HHH/Sheamus feud didn’t end with their Wrestlemania stinker.  They will most likely wrestle in a no-holds barred match at next month’s Extreme Rules PPV.

Speaking of Extreme Rules, Batista apparently plans to execute his rematch clause with John Cena then.  Look for this to be a submission match.  Cena relentlessly emphasized the fact that Batista tapped out to the STF at Wrestlemania.  The Phoenix audience was just as fierce in reminding Batista of this fact as several loud “You tapped out!” chants permeated the arena.  If it is a submission match at Extreme Rules, Batista has absolutely no chance of regaining the WWE title.

In the only Wrestlemania rematch of the evening, the 10-Diva tag match was almost over before it began.  Actually, have you noticed that Diva tag matches on RAW have a life expectancy of about 45-seconds?  True to form, Eve schoolgirled Maryse for the quick win before Jerry Lawler could even get the cap off his Viagra bottle.

RAW guest hosts Rob Corddry and Clark Duke (from the cast of the surpisingly mega-successful “Hot Tub Time Machine” movie) had an entertaining backstage segment with Mark Henry.  Corddry and Duke spent the majority of the show in a hot tub with several WWE Divas in the first ever “Hot Tub” match.  We’re not exactly sure what the rules of a hot tub match are, but we think it has something to do with submitting to dangerously high bacteria levels.  The funniest moment was when Mark Henry entered the hot tub as a suprise contestent wearing what was, at the same, both the largest and smallest fire-engine red Speedo.  As he sat down between the two thunderstruck guest hosts, Henry calmly asked Corddry and Duke to tell him about Hollywood.

RAW’s main event was set up during the first segment of the night with John Cena and Batista.  Jack Swagger surprised the WWE champion with a sneak attack from behind with his newly secured Money in the Bank briefcase.  Swagger got on the mic and declared he was cashing in his guaranteed title contract but wisely reconsidered his options when Cena quickly recovered.  Hosts Corddry and Duke then announced the main event tag match of the night would be Batista and Swagger vs. Cena and a partner of his choosing.

It was pretty obvious that Cena’s partner would be Randy Orton since Orton had yet to be featured on the program.  It was still a little bit of a surprise to see Cena and Orton fighting side-by-side in this match considering they had one of the best and most heated rivalries of 2009.  Their match was a little short but no less compelling.  Swagger had some nice spots, and it is really nice to see him finally getting a main event push after seemingly being left for dead since the beginning of the year.  It was surprising enough that Swagger even made it into MITB much less win it. 

It was ultimately Orton, however, that looked the strongest in this match.  After being tagged in by Cena, Orton hit Batista and Swagger with succesive RKOs and scored the vitcory over Mr. Money in the Bank.  Cena and Orton had an interesting post-match celebration as they both kept a watchful eye on each other.  Already playing up the angle of respectful distrust for each other could lend itself nicely to an impending face vs. face program … which is precisely what we predicted would happen after Wrestlemania.

On the official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this genuinely emotional episode of RAW gets:

Four Stars (out of Five).

Hit and Misses (Mostly Hits) from Wrestlemania 26

As our final tribute to “Mr. Baseball” Bob Uecker this Wrestlemania season, we’ve decided to present our recap of last night’s action in baseball terms.  We promise this will be our last tribute blog to the Uke … until SummerSlam anyway.

Grand slam: “The Streak” vs. “The Career” — Last year’s match between HBK and The Undertaker might have been a walk-off grand slam to end Game 7 of the World Series, and their match last night was just as good.  In fact,  HBK/Undertaker II provided just as much excitement as their first epic battle and a whole lot more drama.  We haven’t read any of the IWC commentary yet, but we hope this match is given the sincere credit it’s due.  A few months ago, no one thought this match could equal or surpass the instant classic we witnessed at Wrestlemania 25.  Michaels and ‘Taker proved us wrong and gave us another 5-star quality match that will be talked about for years.  HBK’s death-defying moonsault onto the Spanish annouce table was truly breathtaking, and Undertaker’s plea for Michaels to “stay down” still gives us chills.  Shawn’s defeat and subsequent exit from the Wrestlemania stage was one of those rare emotional wrestling moments that seemingly transcend the entire sport.  There are some unanswered questions about HBK’s apparent retirement that hopefully will be answered on tonight’s edition of RAW.  Maybe the WWE will take a parting shot at the recently un-retired Ric Flair, and give Michaels an even bigger send off … if, indeed, HBK’s retirement is legit.

3-Run Homer: John Cena vs. Batista — We figured this match would be good, but not nearly as good as it was.  Cena and Batista were both in top form last night, and their match together was a bona fide thrill ride.  Each man kicked out of the other’s finisher (Batista’s escape from the Attitude Adjustment was especially surprising), but it was The Animal who eventually tapped out to the STF at the 13-minute mark.  Cena started his 7th reign as WWE champion by posing with a large group of anti-Cena audience members at ring side which we thought was a nice touch. 

Triple: “The Hitman” vs. “The Chairman” — Chairman is an apt nickname for McMahon as he took at least a dozen chairshots from Hart in a span of three minutes.  We know this match is going to be ragged on, but the historic significance of Bret Hart and Vince McMahon in the same ring together cannot be downplayed.  Before the match began, McMahon announced that he had purchased the services of the entire Hart family to serve as his personal Lumberjacks (with Bruce Hart serving as special referee).  Knowing how dysfuctional the Hart family is reported to be, we had no trouble believing this had actually occurred; however, they were all working together to screw Vince once and for all.  If you listen closely during the match, you can hear some of the comments being made from the Hart family outside the ring.  At one point Diana Hart yelled, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” to Vince, and we don’t think this was just a work.

Bret Hart of course won the match after Vince tapped out to the Sharpshooter which is exactly what countless wrestling fans around the world wanted to see.  The match itself surely wasn’t a mat classic, but still it accomplished what it needed to do.  Bret Hart, after 13 years of unimaginable torment, got to beat the hell out of the man who nearly destroyed his career and tore apart his entire family.

Ground rule double: “Money in the Bank” — This year’s of MITB was exciting as always, but we’ve seen better.  Perhaps it’s the PG-era wreaking havoc once again, but there really weren’t as many insane bumps this year.  Oh, and Jack Swagger won.  What??!  Yes, folks, Jack Swagger is Mr. Money in the Bank.  Who saw that coming?  Shelton Benjamin’s role in the match was particularly disappointing, and we were surprised at how much ladder time Matt Hardy got last night.  But again (and we can’t stress this enough) Jack Swagger captured the briefcase and the guaranteed title shot that goes with it.  This is quite a step up for the same man who was eliminated by Santino Marella during their Royal Rumble warm-ups just a few months ago.  Swagger even struggled to grab the briefcase which led to some very tense moments when it was clear he was going to be the winner.  Not surprisingly, Evan Bourne was the shining star of the entire MITB match.  His shooting-star press onto Christian from the ladder was awesome.

Line drive up the middle: Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs. Edge — In our opinion, this outcome was the most surprising of the night.  Jericho retained his title after hitting Edge first with the belt (two count) and then with a second Codebreaker for the pin fall.  This match was very entertaining a contained a lot of false finishes and misdirection.  Jericho hit his first Codebreaker of the match as Edge went for a spear, but Edge was able to kick out.  Wrestling formulas normally go like this: Face kicks out of heel finisher and eventually wins, or face kicks out of heel’s shot to the head with title belt and wins said title belt.  Neither one of these time-tested formulas held up for Edge.  The biggest (and best) bump happened after the match was over when Edge speared Jericho off of one announce table to the other and crashed through the ringside barricade. 

Base on balls: Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes — We don’t know who approved Cody Rhodes ring attire for this match, but it was hideous.  The only possible explanation is that his bags were lost at the airport, and he had to go to a Army & Navy surplus store 15-minutes before the match to find replacement gear … but we digress.  Dibiase and Rhodes worked over Orton pretty good during the first few minutes of the match, but they couldn’t agree who should get the pin fall.  Their dissension favored Orton as he was able to separate his two opponents, punting Rhodes and RKO’ing Dibiase.  The best spot of the match was Orton’s double DDT from the second rope to his former Legacy brethren.  With Orton’s face turn now fully established, it will be interesting to see what’s in store for him.  We like the idea of a face vs. face program with Cena … 

Hit by pitch: Actually, hit by large right hand might be more appropriate.  The Unified Tag Team championship match lasted a mere three minutes before Big Show interrupted Morrison’s springboard attempt with his KO punch.  This match could have been a lot more exciting if it was given more time.

Swing and a miss: Triple H vs. Sheamus — The crowd simply was not into this match, and neither were we.  Triple H took two big Irish boots to the temple but still managed to Pedigree his way to victory.  We’re still trying to figure out the purpose of this booking.

The Lie, Cheat, and Steal (Third Base) Award: The runner-up for this award goes to Rey Mysterio.  During his match with CM Punk, Mysterio imitated Eddie’s trademark “Latino Heat” shimmy as he went for a Frog Splash.  Later in the night, Vickie Guerrero tugged at our heart strings when she blew a two-fingered kiss to the sky before attempting an ill-advised Frog Splash of her own.  (Guerrero scored the pin fall over Kelly Kelly in the 10-diva tag match.)

Curiously, Mysterio’s match with Punk only lasted 6 1/2 minutes.  The action was decent, but we wonder how much better this match could have been if it was allowed to go 12-15 minutes.  Mysterio emerged victorious, brushing aside outside interference from both Serena and Luke Gallows, and delivering a fine-looking 619. 

We’re sure Wrestlemania 26 will have its critics, but we think it was a great show overall.  Several spots became instant Wrestlemania moments (HBK’s moonsault onto the announce table and tearful goodbye to his fans, McMahon tapping to the Sharpshooter, Edge’s bone-crushing spear of Jericho), and most of the in-ring action was exciting.  For $60, we got a pretty compelling show; the WWE title changed hands, a hall of fame career was ended, The Undertaker extended his Wrestlemania win streak to 18, Jack Swagger surprised us all by winning MITB, Bret Hart finally got to screw Vince McMahon, and we got to see Mean Gene Okerlund in an ill-fitting black dress. 

On the official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, Wrestlemania 26 gets:

Four Stars (out of Five).

Wrestlemania 26 Recap

Wrestlemania 26 was definitely one for the history books.  Our first impression of the event now that it just ended, is that it will secure its rightful place as one of the 10 best Wrestlemanias of all time.  We will have a more detailed review of the entire show tomorrow so keep checking back here throughout the day.  Without spoiling anything for those of you waiting to watch or download the replay, HBK and The Undertaker brought down the house.  If you liked their match at Wrestlemania 25, prepare to be amazed once again …

Our Wrestlemania 26 Predictions

If the road to Wrestlemania was actually a road, and we were all driving that same road together, we’d be nearing the off ramp.  In just a few hours the 26th installment of WWE’s biggest (and most expensive) show of the year will commence.  The four hour spectacle will no doubt offer the same excitement, celebrity, and drama we’ve grown accustomed to over the past quarter century.  Wrestlemania 26 has the potential of being one of the greatest wrestling pay-per-views of all time which is a credit to how well the show has been promoted.  To borrow a line from the late great Gorilla Monsoon, “You can cut the electricity with a knife!”  This year is especially exciting because the matches have been expertly booked with few (if any) predictable outcomes.  Here’s how we think the show might go down:

1.) Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, and Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool, Layla, Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Vickie Guerrero in a 10-Diva Tag Match — We assume this will be a dark match, so log on to WWE.com to catch it if you’re interested.  And if this match is one that interests you, then you’re officially a fanatic.  As things have played out recently, we foresee Beth Phoenix scoring the pin fall over Vickie Guerrero … perhaps after a little outside interference from “Miss Wrestlemania” Santina Marella. 

2.) Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk — We think this match could steal the entire show.  Mysterio and Punk have generated the perfect amount of heat heading into their Wrestlemania collision.  According to the prematch stipulation, if CM Punk wins perennial baby face Mysterio would be forced to join the Straight Edge Society.  We just can’t see this happening.  Look for Mysterio to come out on top in an exciting, fast-paced, aerial thrill ride.

3.) Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes in a Triple Threat Match — Thankfully this was made into a Triple Threat match rather than a 2-on-1 handicap match.  Legacy was too frequently put into handicap tag matches that made them all look weak as individuals.  I guess this WM Triple Threat match will be the ultimate comeuppance for one the three former stable mates.  Whoever emerges victorious on the grandest stage of them all will have immediate (and eternal) bragging rights.  The most logical winner is Randy Orton who would then go on to a major face push following ‘Mania.  But where would an Orton victory leave Dibiase and Rhodes?  We think this match could end with one or more major surprises, perhaps a Demolition/Powers of Pain-like double turn …

4.) Triple H vs. Sheamus — There really isn’t a great deal of fan interest for this match, but we think it will be a good one.  Both men have a lot to prove in this, their first, one-on-one match together.  Triple H will likely do the job for his workout buddy Sheamus in one more (final?) attempt to put over the Celtic Warrior.  In his typical self-booking style, however, look for “The Game” to look superhumanly strong even in defeat.

5.) Big Show & The Miz (c) vs. John Morrison & R Truth for the Unified Tag Team Championship — At last year’s WM, the Unified Tag match was relegated to dark match status.  We’re glad the tag titles are getting some real air time this year.  ShoMiz should retain their titles tonight, though we wouldn’t be too surprised (or disappointed) if Morrison and Truth emerged victorious.  And that’s wsup.

6.) Money in the Bank Ladder Match featuring Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Christian, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, MVP, Matt Hardy, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, and Jack Swagger — Who doesn’t love MITB?  We couldn’t be any more excited about this year’s lineup.  You have the high-flyers (Benjamin, Christian, Hardy, Kingston, and Bourne), the classic mat wrestlers (Ziggler, McIntyre, MVP, and Hardy) and the Big Red Monster (Kane).  Predicting the winner of MITB is like predicting the winner of “Dancing with the Stars.”  You have to take into account many unpredictable factors like who will make the best main event opponent in the near future, who has earned the right to be called Mr. Money in the bank, and who will ultimately look better in the arms of former House Majority Leader Tom Delay.  Our money (in the bank) is on Christian to capture the briefcase and finally enter a much anticipated program with his former tag partner Edge.

 7.) Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship — This might be the only match on the card with an obvious outcome.  Edge will win the Heavyweight title in what will no doubt be an exciting back-and-forth contest.  History is on our side with this prediction: every face winner of the Royal Rumble match has gone on to win a title at Wrestlemania since Bret Hart in 1994.

8.) Batista (c) vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship — We are pleasantly surprised at how well this match was promoted.  Batista and Cena have both been excellent in their respective roles as monster villain and All-American baby face.  We really get the sense that Cena is entering this match as the unlikely underdog, which normally means a Wrestlemania victory is imminent.  We think this formula will hold steady, and Cena will leave University of Phoenix Stadium as a 7-time WWE champion. 

*Note: Being a 7-time WWE champion is a significant accomplishment.  Only two other wrestlers have achieved this level of success: Triple H (8) and The Rock (7).  Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, and John Cena are all tied with 6 WWE Championship reigns.*

9.) Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Mr. McMahon — This really is a dream match more than twelve years in the making.  Who would have thought The Hitman and The Chairman would ever face each other one-on-one in the ultimate Wrestlemania grudge match?  If McMahon taps out in the middle of the ring to Hart’s Sharpshooter, this could be one of the all-time greatest Wrestlemania moments.  We really hope the booking committee gets this one right.

10.) Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker — The Storybook Career vs. The Streak … this match is almost impossible to call.  We really can’t see how either outcome could possibly play out.  There have been rumors for about a year now that both men would retire in 2010, but Michaels at least seems to have a lot of greatness left in him.  The most compelling thing about The Undertaker anymore is “the streak,” and ending it in what could likely be his last Wrestlemania wouldn’t make much sense.  On the other hand, retiring Shawn Michaels tomorrow night is the more unlikely scenario.  In a match that will undoubtedly be talked about for generations, we think Michaels and ‘Taker will top their Wrestlemania 25 instant classic.  The only way for this to happen is for The Undertaker’s fabled streak to come to a heartbreaking end.

Our Thoughts on Bob Uecker Entering the Hall

We still can’t stress enough how thrilled we are with “Mr. Baseball” Bob Uecker’s impending induction into the WWE Hall of Fame.  For any younger readers of the Lateral Press, we strongly urge you to watch Uecker’s performances at Wrestlemanias III and IV in order to get a better appreciation for his contributions to WWE.  (Back-to-back Wrestlemanias, Uecker quipped, was the only option he ever had renewed in his career).

Uecker was the perfect celebrity fit for the silliness and campiness of professional wrestling in the 1980s, and he was one of the first true “sports entertainers.”  He proved he could hold his own on the microphone, helping to call the Hillbilly Jim/King Kong Bundy mixed-midget tag match at WM III and the 20-man over the top rope Battle Royal and WM IV.  It’s clear listening to their commentary during this match that both Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura have genuine respect and admiration for The Uke.  His working knowledge of the sport was impressive as well.  In the ring with Bundy, for instance, Uke said he would likely go for a flying head scissors in order to neutralize the weight advantage of the 450-pound Walking Condominium. 

Uecker also had very entertaining skirt-chasing skits first with (curiously) the Fabulous Moolah and then Vanna White.  Of course, his sexual-harassment-lawsuit-be-damned advances went unrequited by both women.  It’s actually kind of sad to think that even the 63-year old Moolah was unmoved by Uecker’s evident love thirstiness.

In our opinion, Mr. Baseball’s interview with Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania IV contains the most iconic camera shot in the history of professional wrestling.  Andre’s colossal hands wrapped around the neck of the instantly rubberfaced Uke is the ultimate Wrestlemania moment.  Even Andre seems genuinely amused by Uecker’s antics (watch for the ear-to-ear smile on Andre’s face as he leaves the interview area).  If this 64-second interview was Uecker’s only contribution to the sport, he would still be well-deserving of permanent enshrinement in wrestling’s most hallowed hall. 

With arms that could not be open any wider, Lateral Press welcomes Bob Uecker to the Hall of Fame Class of 2010, and we would like to remind everyone that when it comes to his HOF induction, “that was our pick!!!”  (See WM IV Battle Royal). 

(As a special treat, we have included Uecker’s multiple Emmy award-winning performance with Andre at Wrestlemania IV).